i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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