if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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