Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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