A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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