she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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