Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
