If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
