Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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