I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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