I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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