I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
i think i just lost a toe
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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