I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
