if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
