My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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