WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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