I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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