i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
