Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Vodka?
Forever.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
