I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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