I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
