I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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