In America we eat man semen.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
