I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
