Jerry, you need to find god
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
