so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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