You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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