you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
