LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
