can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
