Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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