he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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