The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize