I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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