But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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