Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
