At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
