Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
