On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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