The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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