So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
