My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
