I cannot find my penis.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
