dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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