if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
