I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
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