Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
