Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
