Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
this boner is exhausting
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
