Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Pooping to opera.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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