My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Randomize
