Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Randomize
