Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
