I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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