my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
