you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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