i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The uberlube is also flammable
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
