so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
