He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
