My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
