Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
