Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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